I want to be an actress. Always have. It is literally the only thing I have ever wanted to be in my life. Even when I played with other careers, acting always snuck its little jazz hand in. Be a cook? Try to work at Food Network! Be a writer? Pick a character to cameo when my book becomes a movie (ha)! Be a mom? Fantasize about the twins being on Broadway so I can too!
I majored in musical theater in college and tried auditioning for about a year. I had two managers, both of whom sent me on call after call to play Tracy Turnblad in Hairspray, and nothing else. I never played her once.
And I thought it was just bad luck. I thought it was just that casting directors wanted thin and I wasn’t thin and well doesn’t that just suck I guess I can’t be an actress.
But what if I can? What if being fat didn’t happen to me and it’s a choice and I can choose be an actress?
And it’s not completely about my appearance, though I’d be a fool to think that wasn’t part of it. But a large part of why I might have failed at acting the first time around was stamina. If I went through a dance call and couldn’t perform by the end of the day out of sheer exhaustion, OF COURSE they weren’t going to cast me. I wasn’t fit for the job. I wasn’t in good enough shape to dance for 3 hours a show, 8 shows a week.
Maybe it wasn’t my talent that stopped me, but me who stopped me.
So I’m trying to choose Broadway. And that’s a horrifying sentence to type that I deleted three times.
But when I’m working out and want to stop, I chant “Be on Broadway”, and it gets me through.
This is excruciatingly private to admit to the world on the internet, but there it is. I want to take control of my life and be an actress.